Category: Bible

The boy doesn’t…pay back evil for evil

Silva

Who is good enough for my daughter?  Parents regularly say that only those “good enough” can date or marry our children, right?  I wonder if most of us have figured out what that means before it’s too late (e.g., bubba just rang the door bell)?  In other words, what type of boy will I let in the front door?

We continue this short series on the character qualities of the kind of boy that I want to hear ask me for my daughter’s hand.  First was, courage.  Today’s is that he shouldn’t be inclined to pay back evil for evil.

The Bible is clear enough that when it comes to vengeance or retribution, only God is expert enough to handle it.  Thankfully, this evidence is clearly stated,

Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord (Romans 12:19)

O LORD, O God of vengeance, O God of vengeance shine forth! (Psalm 94:1)

Still, we try.  Clear examples are all around us.  For many (especially boys), it’s on the ball field.  Surely the boy will find himself on what we used to call the “field of friendly strife” (i.e., athletic field).  When he does, he will be learning important lessons about life and about his place in it.  I spoke to a good friend recently about how when boys get on the field, each one is desperately trying to establish and maintain his place of prowess in light of all the rest.  Sometimes the overflow of this is seen in red cards (soccer), face-masks (football), hitting a batter (baseball) or charging (basketball).  When it happens, you can be sure that one has challenged another’s position in the rankings.  These challenges are evil.  Strictly speaking they are retributions, punishments, and vengeance-efforts.

Will a boy resort to this?

  • Will his lifestyle be one of “bowing up” or “kicking against the goads”?  Is his answer to authority to always resist and sometimes rebel?

Listen dad, you, out there, parenting that boy that will one day show up at my door.  Sure, every man has his moment but I will turn him away faster than he can say “bonehead” if his lifestyle resembles these things.  And I should and so should you.

Just why do we think God would take the time to state, illustrate and command us that He is One in charge of justice and vengeance?  Clearly, it is because we are so prone to want to be judge, jury and executioner.  As we parent our boys, do we instill in them the vengeance-ethic?  “Real men don’t take that crap.”  “Real men don’t get run over like that.”  “Men don’t get mad they get even.”  We secretly believe this slimy code of conduct and we inculcate it in our young boys.  For the sake of my daughters, don’t do it.

In a stroke of what was clearly the wisdom from above, I recently had a conversation with my son about this issue.  Of course, we started on the field of friendly strife and ventured into other fields.  Namely, what to do when you’re in the hen house and another rooster wants to fight?  Enough of the metaphor: he tackled a kid in football, the kid got up and tackled him from behind after the play.  What do we do with this?  I detected in my son a couple of response options rolling around in his head: a) quit the game to deal with the embarrassment, b) bust the kid’s head or c)??.  He was dealing with a) and c).  What does a boy do when, in the front of all of his peers, he’s the victim of a vengeful act?  What would God have him do?

(Here’s where the wisdom from above came in).  I told him that vengeance belongs to the Lord and if he were to have busted the kid’s head, that would’ve been sin.  I convinced him that leaving the field was bad for several reasons not the least of which is that the other kid’s act was sinful, and God tells us to confront sinners (Luke 17:3, Matthew 18:15, Galatians 6:1).  So, dad tells boy that next time, he turn, and confront the kid on his actions – put the ball in his hands (so to speak) – and stand there and wait to see what happens.  “Let God work on that kid’s heart” I said.  Predictably, boy asks dad, “What if he gets mad and comes after me?”  I told my little warrior that he stand firm, wrap him up and help him remember that interactions of this sort are costly for him (there were warriors in Israel, remember).

Not wanting that to be the last word then (or here), we ended on the process: play fair, confront as needed, stand firm and defend thoroughly as appropriate.

Listen, dads, if a boy shows up on my door with a battle record that reveals truth, tenacity, and self-defense, we’ll move on to other areas gladly.  If not, then he’ll be home early.

The boy has…courage

Silva

“He will grow out of “goofy” by it is hard to grow into courage.”  A while back I wrote a post titled, “Look who’s at the door for my daughter…” because my oldest daughter is old enough to notice and be noticed by boys.  I remember those days; in fact, when I was her age I was dating the girl who would be my wife in years to come.  These posts are as much for her as they are for anyone.  But, in accord with my God-given role and responsibility to guide my children through the vicissitudes of life, these posts are for me, too.

Courage is a must.  Parents and children are like anyone else: we get sidetracked by nonsense.  Just where do we rank the boy’s career aspirations?  His choice of college?  What he drives?  These things are essential elements of the constellation of character qualities that the boy must have, no doubt.  But at the center or (better) the core? Courage.

What does courage do?  How does it impact the boy and why does that matter to me?

  1. Courage leads the boy to stand on his identity in Jesus Christ.  “Who am I?”  is a question that turns grown men into sobbing heaps.  A young man will (he thinks) have the dog of life by the snout.  Perhaps.  One day that dog will loose his grip and sink his teeth into that boy, then what?  Christ is the Rock upon which His people stand and cannot be moved.  His grades, his looks, his failures, his income, his ambition – all these things flow from the point of the Cross and it takes courage to take hold.  I see it all the time: dads and men who lack the courage to live with Christ.
  2. Courage leads the boy to stand against the sin that lurks in his own heart and threatens others (like my daughter). Does the boy see what I see?  What my daughter sees?  Will he recognize the darkness tha lurks in his heart waiting for an opportunity to strike?  Or, does he fear his own heart?  The world, the flesh and the devil are our historic enemies.  James 4:4 tells me that we can’t be friends with the world and with God; courage leads the boy to be the enemy of the world.  James 3:8 says that his tongue is full of deadly poison, poison that if he doesn’t stand against will sicken and harm my daughter.  Of course, 1 Peter 5:8 says the devil prowls looking for victims – will he succumb?  Will he lead others to succumb?  Courage will say, “no.”
  3. Courage will lead the boy to stand firm in the midst of uncertainty. Just how much certainty is there in life?  Job certainty?  Nope.  Health certainty?  Nope.  Relational certainty?  Nope.  Financial certainty?  Nope.  Certainty of peace?  Nope.  This is what amazes me about adults: we really think that we have control.  We really think that our hands are the ones on the wheel.  Even Christian men who should know better (based on clear texts like Matthew 6:30 or Psalm 135:5-6).  Does the boy live with the reality of uncertainty?  How does he deal with it?  Will he crumble underneath failure?  Will he hold to what is certain: Jesus Christ?  He must have the capacity and willingness to run to the Cross as a scared son would run to his father in times of fear.
  4. Courage will lead the boy to take risks to follow Christ. All those who would say that Christ makes everything easier in life live in a dream land.  Christ gives hope as no One else can do and it is a good thing, too, since He calls us to lives of sacrifice and cross-bearing.  I mean, seriously, walking with Christ is like buddy-climbing a negative slope – the view is unparalleled but the work is grueling.  Yet, the climb will end in what is truly incomparable.  Is he willing to follow where Christ leads?  Does he see himself as an instrument in God’s hands to do His bidding?  No one older than 30 lives without regret; and those times of regret are usually populated by the fear of following Christ.  “I did it my way” is the broad path to destruction and disappointment and it is cowardly.
  5. Courage will lead the boy to stand against the sins of his in-laws. I know me and I know that if he is unwilling to appropriately rebuke me, then we have a problem.  To be sure, I know my daughter better than he does (in the beginning) but that doesn’t give me license to be a helicopter-in-law.  I take “leaving and cleaving” seriously and when the boy witnesses our sin, if he has the courage to stand up and be heard, good.  If he doesn’t, then, please: if he won’t rebuke me, will he rebuke anyone?  My daughter?  His meddling parents?  His coarse-jesting friends?
  6. Courage will lead the boy to recognize that he’s just a boy. Boys and foolishness go together.  How does a young man stray from the perils of foolishness?  Step one is to recognize that he’s just a boy, a pup, a chump, a novice.  These are young men who are hungry for mentoring and coaching.  These men recognize that they are little better than teenagers and life is heavy so they approach men who have been weathered by life and have wisdom.  I have personally been trained by such men and I believe my family and I have been spared much as a result.  I was just a boy and (over time) I knew it.  I know a man who once told me that a young man asked him for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  My friend said, “no and here’s why…”  That was a kick in the teeth, but that boy did not shrink back from the task and worked for 2 years to gain my friend’s trust and his consent to marry his daughter.  That’s courage.
  7. Courage will lead the boy to be all that he should be.  Listen, I was in the Army and I worked hard to “be all you can be.”  The deprivation of all kinds, the gravity and weight of the mission, the constant threat of war…yeah, these harden a man.  In the midst of it, though, fear might undo it all.  You can put on the body armor of life and try to mask a quaking spirit – for a time it would work.  Courage, though, carries a boy out of the estate of fear and into the exhilaration of freedom.  Without it, he will never get there.  And, those with him (like my daughter) will not reach there, either.

I can work with courage.

Look who’s at the door for my daughter…

Silva

My oldest is not dating.  Maybe not yet, maybe not ever.  I’m a cautious father since, I too, am a boy.  Recently she and I were talking about boys (she’s old enough for that for sure).  With typical zeal, I listed all the boys who, if they showed up at my door wanting to date my butterfly, I’d say, “Um, no.  Good bye.”  Next, I listed all the boys, who if they showed up asking the same thing, I’d say, “Um, no.  But you can come in and hang out here.”  Now, at this point of my parenting life, I’m all bluster and no experience.  My Pop, recently chuckled as we talked about this for understandable reasons, “Yes, son.” He said.  I’m sure I’ll be calling…However, as I prattle on with my daughter, she lovingly hears me out and seems to take some level of comfort from a protective (and experienced) father.

Still, more recently, we were talking about a couple of particular boys (I name names,you see).  These guys are goofs.  They are her middle-teen age and are lanky, pimple faced goof balls.  But, these two young men have courage.  They have had opportunity to take spiritual, moral and ethical positions that have impressed me.  So, as my daughter and I discussed these yokels, and she also recognized that they’re goofs, I helped her see that goofs grow up but it is very difficult to grow into courage.

This reminded me to continue to refine my list of “requirements” for the one who will successfully pry my daughter out of my hands.

Does he keep his word? Can she trust him to tell the truth even in front of his friends?

Is he courageous? Will he stand against everyone (her included) to do what is right and best for all?  Will he stand up to me if I intrude into their lives when I shouldn’t?

Is he humble? Will he accept rebuke when he needs it?  Will he demand to be served?

Is he kind even in front of his friends?

Does he repent of his sins? It isn’t too hard to find a young man who’d acknowledge that he sins.  But will Ace repent of his wrong-doing even to my daughter?  To me?  To my wife?

Is he thoughtful? Does he see his life in terms of others or others in terms of him?  Will he treat her like a ‘weaker vessel’ rather than a tool?

Is he a hard worker? Will he take the mandate of God seriously that he must work?  Can she depend on him to be active in all seasons to do what he must for her?  Will he refuse to live in my basement?

Is he respectful and kind to his mother? I do a lot of premarital counseling and I always ask questions like this.  The boy will treat my daughter like he treats his mom.

And so, it continues: for her, the wait.  For me, the prayer and vigilance.