Category Archives: relationships

You won’t like this: K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Posted on by Silva
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I am doing some writing for a curriculum for young adults who are thinking about marriage.  Naturally (for me) K-I-S-S-I-N-G came up!  And I found a very interesting quote:

Sexuality touches every area of human life; even something as simple as a kiss can have social consequences (after The Kiss, you go from being the girl next door to being his girlfriend) and emotional consequences (you hadn’t realized you like him that way until then).

Kisses can play on our psychological and spiritual registers.  But sexuality, even mere kissing, is also, unavoidably, bodily.  After all, we define a kiss by body parts: a kiss happens when lips meet a cheek or a hand or when two set of lips rub against each other.  Kissing can make our bodies tingle.  And kisses can be slobbery; like other sexual deeds, they are messy in their embodiment.

Real Sex, Lauren Winner, page 33.

I’d recommend the book, but not K-I-S-S-I-N-G, until it’s time.

Why are you fighting with each other?

Posted on by Silva
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When you stop to think about the reasons people get mad at each other, what do you find?  Something has been violated to be sure, but what?  What about anger?  There is none who avoid anger – not even Jesus did.  Of course His anger wasn’t unrighteous but what made it righteous over against unrighteous?  (BTW, an excellent book on anger is Robert Jones’ book “Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem“.) Or, given my last post with the voice-over from John Piper, what about politics?  How do people of great conviction navigate in that realm?  Are we supposed to believe that it is ONLY a dirty profession with callous and self-serving people?  I’d hardly call a man like Henry Hyde a self-serving dirtbag!  They’re out there to be sure, but ALL of them?  I think not.

So, folks getting mad at each other?  Why?  Or angry, why?  Or politics, why? I’ve been thinking  about this lately as I consider my parenting: I’ve got a pile of kids and a pile of mess.  Verbal sparring is a reality but why?  I think part of our problem is that we are actively engaging people not on the basis of whether something is right or wrong (in the objective and biblical sense) but right or wrong as I define it.  We define right and wrong in one of two ways only: internally (I write the rules) or externally (someone else writes them).

I’ve watched VERY young children act out in amazingly sophisticated ways.  Any parent will tell you that little Johnny and Susie weren’t taught to say “no,” they just do it.  That grows and blooms into a worldview where we easily define what is right and wrong and that’s what we pursue in relationships.  We hold two rulebooks in our hands all the time: mine and God’s.  Think of a balance: my rulebook on the left, God’s on the right.  If we hold these two rulebooks equally, then if you violate God’s rule or mine, the consequences (as I meet them out) are the same.  Other options include mine over God’s (my response to your violation: harshness, coarse language, grumpy, silent treatment…you get the idea); God’s over mine (my response to your violation: gentleness, firmness, restoration-aimed…you see the difference?).

Back to the balance: in my left hand, is my rule book. My “rule book” is life according to me.  It is how you should act.  It doesn’t usually include how I should act, just you.  (Maybe a chapter in there about me but many in there about you.)  They include things like: don’t criticize me unless I ask you to; don’t instruct me unless I ask you; don’t fail to call me back when I call you; don’t send me texts; vote R–; don’t drink PBR…you get the idea.

When you violate one of my rules, what have you done?  Have you sinned against me?  No.  You’ve violated a preference; you’ve acted in a way that I’d rather you didn’t.  In the end, who cares – I need to get over it (in the church we call this “Christian Freedom”).  When it concerns my rulebook, I can’t compel you to act as I would want you to.  Here’s the catch: I STILL try because at the heart of it all I think you SHOULD obey my rules just as you would obey God’s.  As I pursue my rules in your life if you fail to obey, we fight. All of this is wrong, of course.  You would be right to tell me to pound sand as I ask you to obey my rules.

Now, in my right hand I hold God’s rules as we read them in the Bible.  If you violate one of them, I’d be right to confront you, be angry, etc.  God gives His people the right to be in each other’s lives with His rulebook.  If you lied to me, I would be right to warn you that’s a sin against me: you would’ve violated a rule that God clearly gives in the Bible to govern our conduct (Ephesians 4:15).  If, however, you told me truth in the “wrong place” (my rule) then I’d have no right to get chapped at you.  How many spouses (men especially) get ticked because the other confronts in a place they’d rather not have to deal with it?  Man, do I hear that a lot (even lived through that one)!

Let’s review:

Rulebook #1 (mine) = preferences.

Rulebook #2 (God’s) = sin.

If you find yourself in a sparring match you would be well served to ask if you are holding up your end of the fight because someone has violated one of your precious preferences.  If so, get over it and yourself.  Put down your weapon and realize that the other person is no more obligated to obey your preferences than you are to obey his.

If we were more inclined to hold to the Word of God in the Bible and ask people to hold to that as well and that only, we would fight less.  Ask someone close to you to help you with your list of preferences that drive them crazy – I’m sure it won’t take long.

What does it mean…to be thoughtful?

Posted on by Silva
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Have you ever spoken with someone who just doesn’t think?  Have you ever watched someone who just wasn’t thinking about what they were doing?  It is a very strange phenomenon because it cannot be that people actually aren’t thinking.  Especially given what the Bible says in places like the Gospel of Mark, chapter 7, verses 14-23.  Clearly we are always thinking.

Still, I interact with people who are often best described as non-thinking people.  I suppose to be clear their thinking just lacks.  It is not always clear what it lacks, but people’s difficulties (my own difficulties) come because thinking lacks.  Let’s establish some “thoughtless categories.”

Maybe it lacked depth -and I missed the obvious (or almost obvious).

Maybe it was lazy - and I was thoughtless about a significant event in someone’s life.

Maybe it was weak and wimpy – life is hard and all I could think about was its hardness.

Maybe it was wrongly founded – and I advised someone to do something wrong.

Maybe it was poorly motivated – and I did or said something that was clearly selfish.

What does it mean to be thoughtful?  Maybe you wonder what is the point of asking the question?  (See, your thinking lacks.)  Let’s take an easy one: Mother’s Day.  Do you know when it is?  (Hint: it’s quickly approaching.)  All of you have mothers – what does it mean to be thoughtful about Mother’s Day?

1. The Bible tells us to honor our parents.  You can’t just do nothing.

Thoughtless category: lazy.

2. You can’t just focus on the ways that you wish your Mom did it differently.  Why would you focus on that, anyway?  So that you don’t make the same “mistakes”?  Maybe.  Maybe you want to think about how she should’ve done it differently so that you can talk yourself out of honoring her.

Thoughtless category: poorly motivated.

3.  Don’t wish your Mom a happy Mother’s Day because you think she can’t live without you.

Thoughtless category: lacking depth (gimme a break)

4.  If your Mom’s life is hard and you don’t wish her a happy Mother’s Day because you think you’re doing her a favor (maybe you’re the reason her life is hard), that’s stupid.

Thoughtless category: wrongly founded.

5.  You don’t honor her because your life is hard.  It could be hard – life is hard – but your isolation from your Mom won’t make your life easier.

Thoughtless category: weak and wimpy.

What to do, then?

Call her (don’t Facebook her, Tweet her, email her or text her) – CALL.

Thank her

Wish her a happy Mother’s Day

Pray for her

Send her flowers (if you can afford it); pick some flowers from somebody’s yard or the roadside (if you can’t); you should probably ask your neighbor, first.  If he says, “no”, categorize his thoughtless behavior: poorly motivated.

Tell her you’re sorry for making her life hard (if that’s true)

There are some mothers out there who likely make these things hard for you to do.  I’m sorry about that; it happens.  I come back to only one thing and ask you to press on: the Bible tells us to honor our parents.  It doesn’t tell us to do so when they’ve met some criteria that we establish; just to do it.  So, do it.

Brothers and Sisters II: Audience

Posted on by Silva
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We have a problem in our relationships.  If you’re single, you’ve likely struggled with this problem.  If you’re married, I could show you how you have the same issue. When it comes to relational intelligence, we stink.  I’ve mentioned several reasons for this in previous posts using K-I-S-S-I-N-G as a doorway for discussion.  My most recent post (of a similar name) pointed out that our married relational problems oftentimes stem from our pre-married relational conduct.  In other words, once you’re married, you’re playing like you practiced.

Last time, we looked at the first of three aspects of living as brothers and sisters.  Authority had to do with the playbook; the rulebook.  It’s a fair question: how do you know when you’re doing it right?

Should you kiss?  How do you know?

Should you stop your hands at hers or are her other parts within the limit?  How do you know?

Should you open up your hopes and dreams to him even though you only recently met?  How do you know?

What are the answers to the “how do you know?” questions? This is authority’s question.  Many would say, “whatever both people agree on.”  That’s the standard answer, I’d agree.  What if the two parties don’t agree?  Who is right?  Does she win or does he?  How do you arbitrate?  Most often I think the answer lingers at “whatever I feel comfortable with.”  Our “default” setting is me.  What if “me” is not right?

If I choose the wrong authority, and, therefore, the wrong standards, then at least two people are in for some trouble.  Also last time, I asserted that many Christians default to this standard and in so doing basically claim that the Bible has nothing to say to us.  That’s a serious issue as well: what else are we willing to say is outside of the reach of the Bible?

Why do we do this?  Christian, why do you turn away from the Bible’s guidance in your relationships?

Audience.  I think it has to do with audience. Now, how you answer these questions of authority reflect your intended audience.  What I mean is “who are you trying to please?”  You know what I mean by this.  Have you ever done a job for a co-worker or a friend and done something similar for a boss or authority figure?  Isn’t there a slight (or more) up-tick in quality for the latter rather than the former?  Especially when bonuses are at stake?

Who are they?  The audiences, I mean.  For whom do you do what you do?  It’s pretty simple, actually.  Whoever sits on your heart’s throne – who’s opinion matters most to you – is your audience.  Whatever rule book he (she) uses, you use.  We do all things for a reason and that reason is always a person.  Who’s the person?  Who are the choices?  There’s “me,” and “God.”  That’s it.  In other words, you do what you do either for your own good, glory and gain or for God’s.

This is seen in many places:

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17)

The Two Great Commandments (Matthew 22:37-40)

The Royal Law (James 2:8)

The Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)

The Only-Love-Matters (Galatians 5:6)

The Act-Like Men (1 Corinthians 16:14).

In these passages we are repeatedly directed first to God and then to others; never to ourselves.  There are only three personal actors in the universe and it is strange that never are we told to act only for our own good.  But we are regularly (repeatedly) told to act for God’s and for others.

In the Bible in 2 Corinthians 5, Paul tells us that we should live in such a way (by faith: 5:7) as Christ is pleased (5:9), “So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him [Christ].”  Christians know what this is like – but we all do, really.  We all live for whoever or whatever is most important to us – our treasure drives our heart (Matthew 6:21).

Christians would say that Christ is our audience.  I would believe any Christian (at first) who made this claim.  But the issue is not so simple (says Jeremiah).  Let’s backtrack a little: say you are in a relationship with a girl (guy).  Whoever is involved competes for the title “audience.”  By that I mean the one who sits on the heart’s throne.  If you’re trying to impress her, you’ll do whatever she wants because you want her to think much of you (you’re the audience).  Her approval, affection, attentiveness – whatever – is what you long for, so you’ll shape your behavior so that you’ll get what you want.

The other way to do this relationship is that God would be the audience.  It would be for His pleasure, for the good of His church, according to His plan and His rules.  This foundational commitment is found in places like 1 Corinthians 10:31 or Colossians 3:23.

How do you know for which audience you are living?  What rules are you using?  Audience starts with authority, but you already knew that.

Old(er) People

Posted on by Silva
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We are in the age of assertion. Ours is probably not unique in that way, but it is certainly different.  Unlike the near-past, now, upon us are more ways to say what we think than we know what to do with. Got a blog? Post away! What about Facebook? Just update your status or write on a wall! How about Twitter? MySpace? IM? Text? Blackberry chat? Skype?

I’m not sure this is an improvement. I’m positive it’s not (it’s true that all of us – a-l-l may not really have anything worthwhile to say).  Nonetheless, part of what the ubiquity of options presents to us is the tendency to believe that we should say what we think; that we have a moral obligation to make our views known.   This especially plagues the young.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty to comment on.  There are problems in the world.  There aren’t any really new problems, of course (Ecclesiastes 1:10), but problems.  My issue is about how they get addressed.  In our day and age, just as there are plenty of problems there’s a plethora of (young) people to provide answers!

Some would say this is a good thing especially in light of the commanding use of media that young people enjoy.  Maybe.

In my mind, there are, however, three main ways to handle problems: young people’s way, old people’s way and a combination way (or a compromise). Now I’m not going to define what makes young or old except to say young is under-40.

So, let’s say there’s a problem (shouldn’t be too hard to imagine).  When I hear young people pontificate wildly in the presence of older folks about problems and solutions, I often wonder at the older folks: what are they thinking about all of this?  Older people, of course, do their own pontificating and I myself wonder at that: what do I think about that?

(There’s a point to all of this and it’s coming.)

I think old people have market share on right answers and young people need to get over themselves and listen.

Yikes.  Notice I said “market share.” You know what that means, right?  (Market Share = not all of it but most of it.)

The problem is, we don’t listen and get over ourselves.  Young people, that is.  Should I?  How should I?

These are valid questions, like it or not.  We’ve got a younger man in the highest office of the land – how should he handle this? Everyone is looking to him for the answers to get us out of this mess – but the man’s barely over the median age of citizens of this county (36.4 years)!

This is relevant because so many young people are addressing issues and many older folks aren’t listening to them (us).  Of course, that chaps the young ones and they try harder usually with a little more vitriol.  Still, some (most?) problems arise when young people get the themselves in a wad because old people won’t listen to them.

What do we do?

I’m a biblical counselor and sit across from many strugglers. I find that, particularly in married couples, it is helpful to encourage people to adopt as their starting point, the following: “I am the biggest problem here.”  Let’s start there…

Next, turn in your Bibles to the 10 Commandments, specifically, the fifth commandment. I’m a Presbyterian and like things written by old dead guys so listen to some of these:

Which is the fifth commandment? The fifth commandment is, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” (Westminster Shorter Catechism [WSC], Q. 63.)

What doth God require in the fifth commandment? That I show all honor, love and fidelity, to my father and mother and all in authority over me, and submit myself to their good instruction and correction, with due obedience and also patiently bear with their weaknesses and infirmities since it pleases God to govern us by their hand. (Heidelberg Catechism, Q. 104; see also WSC, Q. 64)

Who are meant by father and mother in the fifth commandment? By father and mother, in the fifth commandment, are meant, not only natural parents, but all superiors in age and gifts; and especially such as, by God’s ordinance, are over us in place of authority, whether in family, church or commonwealth. (Westminster Larger Catechism, Q. 124)

Why are superiors styled Father and Mother? Superiors are styled Father and Mother, both to teach them in all duties towards their inferiors, like natural parents, to express love and tenderness to them, according to their several relations; and to work inferiors to a greater willingness and cheerfulness in performing their duties to their superiors, as to their parents. (Westminster Larger Catechism, Q. 125.)

What is the honour that inferiors owe to their superiors? The honour which inferiors owe to their superiors is, all due reverence in heart, word, and behavior; prayer and thanksgiving for them; imitation of their virtues and graces; willing obedience to their lawful commands and counsels; due submission to their corrections; fidelity to, defense and maintenance of their persons and authority, according to their several ranks and the nature of their places; bearing with their infirmities, and covering them in love, that so they may be an honour to them and to their government. (WLC, Q. 127)

What is forbidden in the fifth commandment? The fifth commandment forbiddeth the neglecting of, or doing anything against the honour and duty to which belongeth to every one in their several places and relations. (WSC, Q.65)

The 5th Commandment orients our attitude as we interact with older people – many times disagreeing with them.  This matters because, as a young person who wants to make a change in a problem-filled world, if we are wrong in our pursuit of a right goal, we are still wrong.

The most common objection to my characterization of part of the problem came, expectedly, from the young: “I can see problems just like them!” This justifies my line of thinking: if solving problems is what we’re searching for, then perhaps we should begin with a renewal of our commitment to the fifth commandment.  Why?  Because old people have market share on the right answers.

Said differently, when we accuse our elders of not listening to us, I think we are guilty of the same lack of charity that we accuse them of.  They might be wrong for not listening to the young, but the young are definitely wrong for not listening to the old.  That’s the implication of the 5th commandment.

One. Recognize we have fathers and mothers in our midst (family, church) and we’re not them. This is positional humility. We are inheriting this and are not its architects. It is a talent that God is allowing us to invest before we are the fathers and mothers. In our haste to grab this out of their hands, we could be dooming it to ignominy.

Two. Honor our fathers and mothers in our heart, word and behavior. Our lives must reflect an attitude that John the Baptist (Luke 3:16-17) and Paul (1 Timothy 1:15) would’ve found appealing.  Why must we increase?

Three. Submit ourselves to their good scrutiny, instruction and correction. Do our fathers trust us to handle what they have purchased at such great price? Are they explicitly our overseers, counselors, and teachers in our efforts? What would they say?

Four. Recognize our own weaknesses and infirmities. This is where #3 is so important. It is axiomatic that we are blind to our sin and blind to our blindness. Must this point be proved?

Five. Patiently bear with their weaknesses and infirmities as children do to parents. My own senior pastor, Mike Ross, in preaching a sermon regarding different generations in our local church explicitly refused to chastise his fathers and mothers in their weakness. Does that mean they don’t exist? Of course not! Positional humility and regard for the 5th commandment guided him to entrust that generation and their weaknesses to God.

Six. Police our ranks for violators and violations of this commandment. Instead of those who disagree we must turn our renewing / reforming gaze on each other. Not that we would develop or perpetuate a spirit of elitism or divisiveness but that we would act in accord with Hebrews 3:12-13 and Galatians 6:1. This is part of the ethos that we are calling for! Let it begin with each other.

Seven. Let God police the ranks of our fathers and mothers. Nowhere in the Decalogue do we find the right or responsibility to police the sin of our parents. Paul gives us, instead the exhortation to encourage older men as fathers (1 Timothy 5:1) and teach them sound doctrine (Titus 2:2). It is through the decrees of creation and providence that God will continue to shepherd our fathers and mothers.

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Our temptation is going to believe that we exemplify these things. And of course we believe that – we’re young! But do we really fail to stumble (James 3:2)? The plague of youth is, in part, zealous blindness (Proverbs 19:2). Could we not also be like blind Israel: Romans 10:2?

Young and old have specific roles in God’s world: family and church.  We do have something to contribute.  But it is as sons and daughters contributing to the work of mothers and fathers.