Category Archives: Life

Chores! Evil necessity or Training Ground?

Posted on by Silva
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CHORES – A dreadful necessity or a teachable moment?  Every now and then it is helpful to remember just what we’re doing at home.  It is S-O-O-O easy to get lost in the 10,000 little moments at home: meals, dust-bunnies, socks on the floor, bills to pay, laundry, lawns, and leaks.  One of the places where this gets sticky is chores.  What’s a good perspective on chores?

Here are some thoughts that have guided our family:

Chores-as-worldview.  Chores are training ground for the practical necessities of life as well as the practice of life in the kingdom of God.  Work and rule-following in the home are where rule following in the kingdom gets practical and practiced.

Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Chores are spiritual training as well as earthly work.  Chores are where children learn to obey rules, first from you and then from God.

Chores-as-training.  Chores are part of the process of discipling our children and building character in them.  This is one of the areas where we are responsible to train our children.  They will grow up and move out so we need to equip them to make it on their own!  Boys and girls will one day need to wash their clothing, make their own meals, clean their bathrooms, etc. Teach them that their enthusiasm for work is exactly what is expected of us in the kingdom.  Proverbs 31 indicates that teaching the girls to be this way should be a priority!   What about our boys?

2 Thess. 3:10-12, “For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.  For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies.  Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living”

Chores-as-normal.  Doing chores isn’t sumpin’ special: we are not doing anything special when we obey; we are just doing what family members do.  We are a family, a team, so our home is a joint responsibility.  We all work together to do what needs to be done to make our household run smoothly.  Another way to look at this is “many hands make light work.”  For little Johnny to do his chores doesn’t mean he’s doing something special.  This is with serious biblical precedent:

Luke 17:7-10, “Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’?  Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink and afterward you will eat and drink’?  Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded?  So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.”

OK, so, how do we drill down into chores?

First, there’s an adage in the Boy Scouts reminding adults that says “don’t do for a boy what a boy can do for himself.”  This holds true in chores: do not do for your child what he can do for himself.  If you do everything for your child, then he will get the notion that he is so important everyone ought to do things for him.  When will this end?  Tragically, when God puts a stop to it.  Let’s keep that from happening…

Involve your children in your daily tasks.  Talk to them, let them help, and teach them how.  When they do the work, praise them for their efforts (be sure to tell dad when he comes home so he can praise, too).  Make a list of everything that needs to be done.   Circle all the things that only you can do.  Then delegate!  Make a chore chart and rotate weekly, monthly or quarterly.  Be consistent in overseeing all that has been delegated out.  Post the chore chart where everyone can see it.  Talk to your children about it.  Make sure the consequences of disobeying are understood.  Be flexible and willing to change the chore chart as needed, as children grow older and mature.

Second, start young.  Young children are the most enthusiastic helpers.  But, be careful not to overwhelm them so when they’re young work alongside of them.  Try not to overburden the oldest child.  If there is a job that a younger child can do, give it to that child.  Of course it takes longer to do things that you could do yourself but you must take the time to teach them how to do the job.  Parents often complain that their kids’ chores are pitifully done.  True.  But is part of the reason why because they weren’t trained specifically?  So, don’t expect them to do it as well as you do.  You are the one with years of experience.  Extend grace and mercy in this area if your child has done the job to the best of his ability.  Be persistent—it will pay off.

Third, be specific.  Children (even teens) can be overwhelmed by a task, like cleaning a bedroom.  Adults often make the mistake of issuing what appears to be a straightforward command, “Clean up your room.”  The parent knows what he’s asking but does the child?  The boy might go up and pick up the floor only to leave the desk a mess and he might legitimately think he’s done the work.  Break it down into smaller tasks: make bed; pick up books; pick up clothes; pick up legos; pick up dolls; pick up dishes; etc.  If you want specific work to be done, be specific; eventually they’ll get it.

Lastly, remember this isn’t just about getting small tasks completed; it’s more importantly about world and life training.  Try to keep a positive attitude.  Be patient but persistent: whining, complaining and lack of cooperation on their part are sinful and shouldn’t be tolerated.  Give them extra work!  Keep in mind that one day that child will be responsible only to God to do the work set before him.

What about examples of what kids do by age:

At 4: feed dog, collect trash, and fold washcloths.

At 7: set-clear table, sweep stairs, unload dishwasher, fold underwear/hand towels, help mom prepare a meal, collect laundry and help sort/stain treat, clean bathroom, and help dust.

At 9: all the above*, plus fold socks/towels, help prepare meals, prepare a simple breakfast/lunch, collect laundry and help sort/stain treat, clean bathroom, help dust, clean up the yard, take out the compost, and vacuum.

At 11: all the above* plus hand wash dishes, make breakfast/lunch, prepare simple meal for dinner, sweep floors, vacuum, fold pants/shorts, mow the grass, clean bathrooms, dust, wash and vacuum the van, take out trash, help with laundry, and mopping.

At 15: all the above plus meal prep (B, L, D), dust, vacuum, sweep, iron!, help with laundry, fold shirts, mopping, and babysitting.

  • *Keep in mind that even the older ones might be called upon to do the tasks of the younger ones as needed just not normally!

Allowance?  We do not believe it is wise to pay your child to do chores.  Parents are not paid to do their work around the house or yard.  Perhaps you could pay them occasionally to do the bigger and harder jobs, i.e.: raking and bagging leaves, painting the house, etc.  Nor do we think that children should be enticed to do chores under the promise of rewards.  While God does promise the hope of heaven, He doesn’t make us work for it, does He?

Relationships are not efficient

Posted on by Silva
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I recently returned from a missions trip to Hamburg, Germany.  What a marvelous trip; it is remarkable (though not surprising) to witness first hand and participate in what God is doing through the hamburgprojekt, a young church there.  With a brother from my church we were able to mentor, train and visit with courageous brothers and sisters.  We hope to write more on that later, but there was one element that deserves mention ahead of those details: relational inefficiency.

Recently a pastor friend of mine remarked in my presence that as much as we would like to believe otherwise, relationships are just not efficient.  If you think about a favorite American past time, the “to do list,” versus relationships, we can see just how they differ.  To do list’s:

  • Are strictly controlled
  • Don’t surprise us
  • Don’t act in ways that are destructive
  • Don’t need to grow in holiness
  • Go away when we want them to
  • Don’t say stupid things
  • Can be delayed
  • Can be shortened
  • Take only as long as we want
  • Aren’t shy or guarded
  • Don’t yell at us…

You get the idea.  I guess it is no surprise why they are so popular to us.  All of this is probably clear, huh?  Relationships aren’t like to-do lists at all.  “Of course,” you say, “that stuff’s obvious.”

I think I underestimated how much I often put people in the same category as a to do list.  I wouldn’t really know that I had done so until I…well, left the country for another culture.  Now, no one that I know would suggest that Germans are inefficient!  Yet, one thing that became clear to us what that in their culture (perhaps it is just with Americans) they take a long time to “be known.”  They are cautious and guarded (yet polite and fun).  When it comes to intimacy, they take their time, or, are “inefficient.”

I think we get that real rich relationships take time to build.  But I wonder in our culture if we have mostly lost the ability and desire to make the investments.  Facebook demands nothing, Twitter demands less.  Email reveals little, text messages less.  I was listening to Christian radio the other day and the host was encouraging folks that if they wanted prayer to text, Tweet or Facebook ‘em!  At what point did we think calling into a radio station asking for prayer was even a good idea?!  Do we do that because we knew that if we called a good friend he’d make us actually communicate in ways that would put us off our calendars?

It has taken four years for me to build meaningful trust and communication with my Christian siblings in Germany.  At times it was tiring (surprise).  But, what struck me on our most recent trip (last week) was the remarkable fruit and joy that came as a result of our investments in each other.  I never imagined that I’d be able to share such profound and impacting life and ministry with men and women from a totally different culture!  I believe it was due to the commitment to relational inefficiency that is present in the German culture.  There is a sweetness to the slowness.  There is a profound pay-out for the systematic investments in relationships over a long period of time.  Talk about delayed gratification!

In our culture, most often, we are serial-relaters.  We have efficient relationships, that is, ones that don’t cramp our style and that get us where we want to go.  I am glad that not every culture is as inane as ours.  I don’t intend this to be a German-grass-is-greener post as if one culture rises above all others.  But, clearly, ours is not a culture that places tremendous value on systematic and long-term relationships for their own sake.  How many Facebook friends do you have?

Parents’ influence on Children’s Sexual Behavior

Posted on by Silva
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The body of statistics for topics like this is huge.  In fact, there are websites that are dedicated to publishing this kind of thing on a daily basis; it can be mind-numbing.  This post simply asserts the conclusions of one group of studies.  If you are interested in more of this data, go to familyfacts.org and you’ll find it.

Consider these conclusions about parent’s influence on the sexual behavior of their children:

  • “Adolescents whose mothers discussed the social and moral consequences of being sexually active are less likely to engage in sexual intercourse.”
  • “Children whose parents monitor them closely are less likely to be sexually active when they are in their teens.”
  • “Teenagers who feel their parents strongly disapprove of their being sexually active are less likely to contract a sexually transmitted infection.”
  • “Teens whose parents watch television with them more frequently and limit their TV viewing are less likely to be sexually active.”
  • “Adolescents whose parents talk with them about standards of sexual behavior are more likely to be abstinent.”

These conclusions mirror those of author Christian Smith in his book, “Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers” by Oxford University Press.  There, Dr. Smith tells us that parents are absolutely vital in the lives of their children.  Perhaps parents begin to believe over time that their children are far more likely to follow the influence of their friends or other adults.  Both the Bible and sociological studies are telling us to think again.

Why I should hate the phrase, “Woe is me.”

Posted on by Silva
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Most people are quickly discouraged in their lives.  Joy in some circumstances is hard, in most is even harder and in all circumstances seems impossible.   We have good intentions: we might start out well in the morning, our devotions done and prayers prayed. Yet the first ankle-biter issue in life turns us over into the sour pusses that we had hoped to avoid.  We capitulate faster than you can say “woe is me.”  “Wait a minute,” you say, “Woe is me?  Are you saying the difficulties of life are all my fault?”  The cause?  No; that wouldn’t be fair.  But the response is all you and all me.

It is not as if life isn’t hard.  I was recently reminded of this when we heard a church family had just a baby who might have Down’s Syndrome.  Hard indeed.  Life’s bowl of cherries has pits that break teeth.  It’s not going to do us any good to ignore the difficulty.  No one has true joy by ignoring circumstances; that’s a fool’s errand.  Eventually, we’ll go crazy in our little make believe worlds.

No, the world is to be faced.  And it is a hard world.

I like movies.  I particularly like the movie “A Knight’s Tale.”  Now there are parts of it that aren’t so good, but there’s one scene in the movie that will help here.  The main character, Ulrich Von Licthenstein, is a tournament jouster.  In one exchange his opponent cracked his armor.  He had to go to a smithy and have it fixed.  He found one, a woman named Kate.  Kate, he found out, had come up with her own way to heat steel and make stronger armor out of less steel.  The effect was a very light yet strong suit of armor for Ulrich; like Knight’s UnderArmor.

It certainly looked different than the other knights’ armor.  In fact, the next time he jousted, he got laughed at by the other men for his armor.  That is, until he was able to mount his horse like he was wearing no armor – that got their attention since none of them could do that.

In fact, those knights had armor that made jousting difficult: apparently it was very heavy and didn’t move well.  As if trying to stay on a horse that’s galloping, holding a lance, trying to strike the opponent in a meaningful way and avoid getting hit and falling off the horse weren’t difficult enough!

Here’s how it touches what we’re considering: life, like jousting, is difficult.  The question is:

  • What do we “put on” that makes living in it even harder?

I’m talking about perspectives, demands, views, commitments and hopes.  What I mean is that what we believe about life can either help us tackle it or make it even harder to tackle.

Here’s an example.  I think Christians often put on a viewpoint that thinks much of the power of our own sin and circumstances to crush and discourage us and little of the power of our Savior to strengthen and save us.    We think things like, “It’s only a matter of time before I get mad / lust / depressed / worried….There’s nothing I can really do about it.  It’s going to happen.”  This view makes the difficulties of life even more difficult: if we’re already convinced that the mountain is too hard to climb before we even see it (or see what’s in our packs) then we’re sunk when we come to it.  In other words, we really think highly of our sin and our life’s circumstances and lowly of Christ’s provision and power believing perhaps that we are just passive recipients of the black waters of life.  In the end, we drink deeply and it is bitter.

But, if Christ Himself holds all things together (Col 1:15-17) and all things were conceived of in His mind and built through His very power and find their purpose and conclusion in Him, then why be so quick to think sin is too much and circumstances too overwhelming?

  • Is the tendency to sin really too strong for the Spirit to counteract?
  • Are your children really so aggravating that the Spirit can’t give you peace or patience?
  • Is the disease, the deformity or the doubt really so strong that God the Rock and Refuge (Psalm 31) cannot enter in?

My wife and I were talking about how it feels like the home page in our lives’ web is “Me.”  But that’s wrong.  In Christ, our home page is Him.  He is our default.  Our sin is not the first or final word in our lives, His righteousness that He gave to us and His Word is both first and final.  If we believe that it’s only a matter of time before we sin or our circumstance are going to beat us up, then perhaps instead of being realistic we are being sinful.  Instead we must face our daily problems with:

  • Christ’s power is enough to keep me from the power of my sin and these circumstances

He is either powerful or He isn’t.  We either live one way (“He is powerful”) or we live the other (“He is not strong enough”).  God gives power to His children to overcome (1 Corinthians 10:13) because He has already overcome it all.  Receive it and use it today.

“Am I one of those people?”

Posted on by Silva
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This post is for my beloved friends who have recently suffered unexpected tragedy.

Recently, I found myself between two worlds.  In one, I sit in our den, a fire in the fire place with a cup of coffee and an open Bible to the Psalms.  My kids are mingling and oogling around and I dig into the Scriptures with peace (these days it’s Psalm 29).  The other world is in my mind, where recent conversations, events and emails linger and they trouble me.

World 1.  As I read Psalm 29, I am struck by the two voices of the Psalm.  The first voice is ours: verses 1-2 command that all creatures give God praise, “Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name” (v.2) is an apt summary.  The voice of the created is praise.  Verses 3-11 characterize the voice of God, the second voice.  His is one of great power: “the voice of the Lord flashes forth with flames of fire” (v.7) is a good summary.  Even more the end of the Psalm highlights God is enthroned as king forever: a king whose voice is power.

This, with the last part of the psalm, is what strikes me:

May the LORD give strength to His people!  May the LORD bless His people with peace!

World 2.  There’s the rub.  As I look into the events of life I see things that are apparently inconsistent with the power and blessing of God.  I recall the emails and phone calls with good friends who’ve suddenly lost jobs, fathers, mothers, babies and income.  Those things, also, appear inconsistent with the power and blessing of God.  So, this Psalm, though it promises wonderful blessings for the people of God, combined with the events of life (mine included), leaves me to wonder “Am I one of those people?”

Life in World 2, Christian, makes you wonder if there’s something that you have done for which you are being punished.  Perhaps you wonder as I did above if you are even one of God’s children?  You doubt the power of God’s voice of Psalm 29 and think, “If God is so powerful, then why couldn’t He stop this?”  Or worse: the costs of walking with this God are starting to rise in your heart and with it, your fears.  “If He is willing to take my baby, then what else?”  “If He won’t answer my prayers for the salvation of my mother, then what else?”  Peter’s words ring in our ears and we, too, wonder at its answer “God, I have given up everything to follow You, and this is what happens?”

You fear these thoughts.  But you have them nonetheless.  Yet, Christian, something else inside you tells you you’ve got it all wrong.  The pain and anxiety is as close as a fleeting thought but, if you are honest, you can’t just simply clench your fist and cry out to God and say, “This is wrong and You are wrong!”  Oh, but the events in your life pull you to statements like that with power that is so very strong.  It almost feels right to lash out, “How can the answer to my faithfulness be such pain from you, O God?”  But, still, you linger on the outside of total devastation because something inside you tells you you’ve got it all wrong.

How do I know?  How can you see it?  It’s the voice.  That voice, the voice of the God of power, has something to say to you and me.  Though you may not be ready to hear it, He has words for you in the midst of this terror and pain.

Read on: Psalm 30.  Verses 2-3:

O LORD God, I cried to you for help and you have healed me.  O LORD, you have brought up my soul from the grave; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Soul-life and restoration: our destination.  But the pathway is often brutal: don’t miss that these words assume the Psalmist was in great trouble: he was sick or diseased, perhaps he was even on death’s bed.  Why was he there?  Why did God do that?  What was the point of covenanting with a people and then bringing them to the bed of death and trouble?  We might want to go straight to the fact that the Psalmist cried out to God and He answered.  We avoid thinking of the portrait of God at the helm of such devastation for it is too much to behold.  Yet, we can’t miss the fact that you and the Psalmist are in the same bed: suffering, tragedy and pain.

Why?  No answer.  Why? No answer, again.  Why? Just no answer.

It’s not as simple as “God’s trying to test me,” or “He must be about to bless me, so He’s preparing me,” or “I must’ve deserved it,” or some other ultra-simplistic, terribly unsatisfying answer.  In our efforts to make life understandable, we make it domesticated.  In the process, we shrink God down to size and our hope goes with Him.  Can you simply locate the death of a baby in the womb?  Is that satisfyingly explained by “this is just a sinful world”?  We think we’re being noble and wise by trying to explain the inexplicable and unbelievable tragedy away with some pithy Christian bookstore coffee-cup answer.  Don’t be tempted; it will not act as balm on the pain.  You will not be satisfied and then you’ll look at God with anger as if He is the culprit.  No, go back to the voice of power.  That’s where the answers lie.

In Psalm 30, we can’t miss that the Psalmist DID cry out to God.  He knew from Scripture and his own experiences that the voice of God was indeed one of power and blessing.  And the result of the psalmist’s cry was God’s action.   But, perhaps not as he intended.

Verses 4-5 are helpfully honest:

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.  For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime.  Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Saints.  Anger and favor.  Moments and lifetime.  Weeping and joy.  Night and morning.  These are like puzzle pieces from different boxes all jumbled together.  They don’t seem to fit for us; we assume the puzzle is flawed and we throw it away.  Then we resolve never to buy another from that company.  But, wait a moment, what if the puzzle is more complicated than we thought?  What if these pieces ARE meant to be in the same box; even the same life?  What if the portrait they depict is far richer and full of wonder with more depth and complexity than we imagine?

  • Wouldn’t that be glorious?

Christian friends, beloved of God and saints, the truth is that God is powerful in ways that can’t be imitated or even explained.  Just so, He is wise and purposeful.  Yet also, He is loving, dedicated and in full-on covenant with you.  “God is love” is written for you.  You will search the Scriptures and your own experience and find these things to be as obvious as true.  This is not a simple puzzle: He unleashes the angels of death while at the same time commissioning the angels of comfort and ministry.  They stand side by side executing different pieces of the same plan.  Neither one nor the other is on his own; together and at different times in different ways on the same piece of real estate: your life, they do the bidding of the King.

Wait, friends, for Joy comes in the morning.  He has a name:

I, Jesus have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the church.  I am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star. (Revelation 22:16)

Remember that the voice of the created is praise.  Our circumstances – world #2 – can’t convince us that the voice of God is powerless.  In Christ, you are one of those people recipients of the power of God.  Though its power is sometimes clothed in tragedy, its end is not.  Praise will come in the morning.