Category Archives: Fidelity

Brothers and sisters, not husbands and wives Part I

Posted on by Silva
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Religious people should act differently than non-religious people.  Among the reasons people engage in the religious cultus is the effect is has on living.  Seems logical, right?  Active participation in a set of practices motivated by unique beliefs should mark people A as different than people B.  Clearly, Christians should be marked by a specific set of behaviors and those behaviors should set them apart from others.

Alas, one look at a barna.org survey or article in any major newspaper will reveal that in the area of relationships (marriage preeminently) there is little to no difference between professing Christians and non-Christians.  The challenges in accurately defining “Christian,” notwithstanding, we who make claims to follow Christ don’t demonstrate our faith skillfully in relationships.  Here are excerpts from data from such a survey found at ReligiousTolerance.org

Religion % have been divorced
Jews 30%
Born-again Christians 27%
Other Christians 24%
Atheists, Agnostics 21%

More specifically:

Denomination (in order of decreasing divorce rate)

% who have been divorced
Non-denominational ** 34%
Baptists 29%
Mainline Protestants 25%
Mormons 24%
Catholics 21%
Lutherans 21%

And what about region?

Area % are or have been divorced
South 27%
Midwest 27%
West 26%
Northeast 19%

So much for the “Bible Belt” having any effect….Divorce, premarital sex, extra-marital sex, hostility, coldness, late-marriage divorces, etc. mark Christian Marriage.  This is pathetic, sad and hypocritical.

Why is it that way?  What are the reasons for these startling statistics?

Of course, the diagnosis is complicated.  But, as a student of young professing-Christians adults I tend to believe part of the problem is a poorly-managed pre-married relational life. By this I mean the period of time we spent dating, pre-engaged and then engaged.

This K-I-S-S-I-N-G or PDA blog thread has been aimed at this issue.  And this particular post strikes close to the heart of the relational problems.  The character of our pre-married relational life is most often marred by the fact that we don’t view each other as brothers and sisters but rather trial-husbands and trial-wives.

As a result, this relational time is marked by “dating divorces.”  How do you know if you have had a “dating divorce” or if what you’re watching in your close friend is a dating divorce?  By how it has or will end.    In other words, you can gauge the biblical character of a relationship by how it ends.  If a “break-up” is like a quasi-divorce in many ways, then the man and the woman treated each other like spouses during the relationship rather than like siblings.

A quasi-divorce would include things like great anger at each other, follow on depression, arguing over material things, indulgent addictive behavior, rushed follow-on relationships, no communication, or splintering among friend groups along “party” lines.

Many (most) Christian dating relationships-in-progress look like marriages with minor modifications:

  • Unrestrained physical touch save (usually) only sexual intercourse
  • Vigorous exclusion of other people and relationships
  • Baring of all secrets, thoughts, and desires
  • Intense dependence
  • Presence of jealousy
  • Practice of marriage roles: heads and helpers

Many operate on the “test drive the car before you buy” theory.  On Chicago public educator who, with her fiance, waited until their wedding day to kiss (gasp!), replied, “You can’t take the car out of the parking lot until you pay for it.”  Nice.

If many of our marriage problems find their roots in our pre-married relational life, then we should be more concerned about doing that part of our life right.  Right.  What makes a relationship between a non-married man and non-married woman “right?”  Let’s consider three things: authority, audience and approach.

Authority.  The appropriate constellation of questions to ask regards the regulation of such relationships: what standards are they using?

  • What is the relational playbook being used?
  • What is informing the conduct of such relationships?
  • Where are the rules written down for them?

We don’t do anything without rules, folks.  Whether they’re explicit or not we follow some set of rules.  It could be what you grew up seeing in your parents.  Maybe you’ve had “satisfying” relationships in the past and you’re just trying to do current ones that way.  Some search through the myriad of self-help relational books you can find at any Christian bookstore.  Oprah, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen…the list of celebrity “experts” is limitless.  Peers also provide rules – whatever my group is doing, I do.

We do all of this – Christians, now – because in some sense we believe the Bible doesn’t provide any relevant guide (save “No Sex”) for us.  Or worse, we won’t follow what the Bible does say.

Since this is part I of this particular topic, why don’t you take a minute and write down what you think the Bible says regarding non-married, heterosexual relationships.  What instructions does the Bible give to you?  How do you understand verses like 2 Timothy 3:16-17 relative to relationships?

Wait to Smooch – #1

Posted on by Silva
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I thought that I’d handle my 11 reasons why not to kiss before marriage in reverse order just to give the appearance of creativity…actually, I think this is one of the strongest reasons so I will start here.

11. You will likely be committing spiritual adultery – loving someone more than Christ; if you loved Christ, you’d treat people like sisters and brothers and not spouses

Keep in mind what I’m trying to do here.  Twice now by good friends I’ve been warned against “binding the conscience” with this viewpoint.  Well taken.  I wholeheartedly believe in Christian liberty and have NO desire to cross a line into either license or legalism (I am very thankful for the challenge!).  So, I understand “bind the conscience” (principle taken from passages like Romans 14) forcing people to live by restrictions that are not stipulated in the Bible.  As if to develop some kind of unbiblical, restrictive code that people must live by.  If my dear Christian family mean something other than that, then that’s fine – that’s where I am, however.

If I can demonstrate that PDA (pre-marital displays of affection captured by K-I-S-S-I-N-G) is regulated in the Bible, then I am not engaging in conscience-binding.  If I succeed then I am simply teaching what the Bible says regarding PDA (even though PDA isn’t a biblical phrase).  I hope to demonstrate that PDA is not a matter of conscience but a regulated activity created for and practiced within the confines of marriage alone.

Why this viewpoint?  To safeguard us from the culture-creep?  Maybe.  Because of my own history.  Possibly.  Because of the wreckage that I’ve seen PDA do in marriages?  Could be.  Mainly, because I believe male-female relations are so complex and significant that these things are spoken of by God.  The stakes are very high.

How high is the subject of my first reason. James 4:1-5 is where I draw this from.

1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: “He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us”?

There were fights and quarrels in the church according to this passage because there were heart-wars breaking out and spilling onto each other.  What was the subject of those wars?  Desires.  These desires (pleasures, NASB; passions, ESV) can be good or bad.  Bad desires are clearly bad.  Good desires (security, companionship, svelt-ness (!)) become sinful when they are inordinately wanted.  A look at the verbs indicate great strength: lust, envy, asking with wrong motives; these are strong.

There is a process to all of this.  Desires don’t just break out into full scale battle.

Fact 1.  We are married to Christ (v.5) and He is jealous for us

Fact 2.  We have built in human desires.

Fact 3.  At times, we crave apprehending these things more than we want Him or wait for Him to provide.

Fact 4.  We forsake Him and commit adultery against Him (v.4), become His enemy and become friends with the world; we leave our marriage bed with Him and hop into the sack with what we’re seeking

Fact 5.  We pursue these now-sinful, adulterous passions in and through each other mostly (v.2) and other things, secondarily

Fact 6.  Our jealous Husband, Jesus Christ pursues us and frustrates our pursuit of our own pleasures in and through each other (v.4) and other things

Fact 7.  Rather than accept His rebuke, we are frustrated / angry and quarrels and fights break out (v.1)  among us – “If you would just give me what I’m asking for….”

This is the logic of sin.  It starts with the fact that we are married to Christ and being married to Him means seeking from Him our desires (Psalm 37:4; relevant context in that Psalm – check it out).  It is our marriage to Christ that is at stake in our lives.  Sin does many things and means many things but it FIRST is adultery against our Husband.

James states this process slightly differently in 1:13-15.

14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. 15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.

Here we read of our own desires (same word as 4:1) that lure and entice us and lead to sin.  The overall picture is that we have desires / passions / pleasures that are constantly at work within us.  They bait and entice us and if we follow, we sin.  In chapter 4, James tells us that if we don’t manage those we will commit adultery against Him which will lead to violence against each other.

The marriage metaphor is striking given our discussion, no?  It is a legitimate question, “can you kiss and tell Christ?”  Can you walk hand-in-hand with two lovers?  I ask the people who come to me for help and who have committed PDA, “why did you do it?”  “What were you seeking that couldn’t be found in Christ?”  The answers always lead to a desire (sometimes legitimate) that they couldn’t wait to get in marriage or didn’t even try to seek from Christ (see Psalm 34:8).

PDA does not exist in isolation – it is fruit of desires (not just sexual desires but also inordinately sought legitimate desires: closeness, companionship, excitement, loneliness, isolation…).  I maintain that PDA is fruit of desires that God has given us that we would quench, a) in Him while single, and b) in our spouse when married.  Can one give reasons for PDA that maintain fidelity to Christ?  Why should PDA be done?

There you have it.  Reason #1 to Wait to Smooch.

Kissing – this is popular…

Posted on by Silva
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(11/10/10) It has been two years since I posted this bombshell.  It continues to be one of the posts that gathers the most attention.  I think that’s interesting so I thought I’d return to this post to “freshen it up…”

I recently finished reading an ugly book, “Guyland” by Michael Kimmel.  I say it’s ugly because it lays out the milieu in which our young boys and men must live and it is ugly.  Read long enough (not too long, actually) and you’ll see that there continues to be wholesale assaults on our sexuality.  This is both interesting and not surprising.  We are sexual beings and for us the inclination to live sexually is normal, even built in.  I’ve often asked folks what is the purpose of sex drive, anyway?  Beyond the obvious, it is the one thing that takes our minds off of ourselves and onto another.  Now, we pervert and misuse this built-in inclination, but it is there nonetheless.

That’s what this post is about.  Sure, it’s about kissing, but inasmuch as K-I-S-S-I-N-G represents how we live as sexual beings.  Small behaviors provide windows into larger heart issues.  PDA (premarital displays of affection) are oftentimes quite small (i.e., holding hands, frontal hugs or kissing) and so it all seems unimportant and my attention to it all the more outrageous or even offensive.

When I wrote this post, I asked for consideration of its content.  One question that I did not ask was “why not refrain from PDA?”  The energy to defeat these proposals was vigorous, why was that?  Here’s the post again in totality and I’d invite answers to these two questions.

I love kissing.  I’ve been doing it for longer than I should’ve been.  Now, that’s both bad and just a fact.  Fact is, I think men and women shouldn’t kiss until they’re married.  Now, you know what I mean: K-I-S-S-I-N-G (not just pecking; or holy kisses: Rom. 16:16, 1 Co. 16:20, 2 Co. 13:12, 1 Thess. 5:26, 1 Pet. 5:14).  In fact, I have 11 reasons why non-married, dating-or-not folks shouldn’t kiss.  See what you think:

  1. Witnessing purity will go out the window; purity means “pure” not slightly pure
  2. It is committing sexual sin: “porneia” (Greek New Testament word) = any sexual immorality at all; I think that means acting like a married person before it is time
  3. There is no biblical reason to kiss and no biblical examples of non married people being intimate
  4. You are stealing from the future
  5. It is proof of the flesh winning the battle; i.e., failure to exercise self control
  6. It will complicate everything; you won’t be able to know each other truly because you’ve known someone sexually
  7. If you have any sexual history, it will become alive again; you will be battling old temptations and practices
  8. Your significant others’ sexual history may become alive again
  9. Each time you meet, you would be fighting not to be consumed with each other physically; it will dominate your thoughts
  10. It shows that you don’t respect each other enough to save yourself
  11. You will likely be committing spiritual adultery – loving someone more than Christ; if you loved Christ, you’d treat people like sisters and brothers and not spouses

I think it is easy to say small occurrences of PDA are harmless.  Except that they aren’t really.  Every act of PDA no matter how small had its origins in our hearts.  What happens there is not small.  It’s big enough to move you to act, isn’t it?

I guess, I’d want to see good reason for kissing.  The Bible clearly tells us to treat each other like siblings and not spouses until we’re spouses.  It tells us to refrain from sexual immorality.  It tells us to stay pure.  It tells us to maintain fidelity to Jesus Christ.

Can you kiss and tell Christ?