Category Archives: Family

Chores! Evil necessity or Training Ground?

Posted on by Silva
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CHORES – A dreadful necessity or a teachable moment?  Every now and then it is helpful to remember just what we’re doing at home.  It is S-O-O-O easy to get lost in the 10,000 little moments at home: meals, dust-bunnies, socks on the floor, bills to pay, laundry, lawns, and leaks.  One of the places where this gets sticky is chores.  What’s a good perspective on chores?

Here are some thoughts that have guided our family:

Chores-as-worldview.  Chores are training ground for the practical necessities of life as well as the practice of life in the kingdom of God.  Work and rule-following in the home are where rule following in the kingdom gets practical and practiced.

Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Chores are spiritual training as well as earthly work.  Chores are where children learn to obey rules, first from you and then from God.

Chores-as-training.  Chores are part of the process of discipling our children and building character in them.  This is one of the areas where we are responsible to train our children.  They will grow up and move out so we need to equip them to make it on their own!  Boys and girls will one day need to wash their clothing, make their own meals, clean their bathrooms, etc. Teach them that their enthusiasm for work is exactly what is expected of us in the kingdom.  Proverbs 31 indicates that teaching the girls to be this way should be a priority!   What about our boys?

2 Thess. 3:10-12, “For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.  For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies.  Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living”

Chores-as-normal.  Doing chores isn’t sumpin’ special: we are not doing anything special when we obey; we are just doing what family members do.  We are a family, a team, so our home is a joint responsibility.  We all work together to do what needs to be done to make our household run smoothly.  Another way to look at this is “many hands make light work.”  For little Johnny to do his chores doesn’t mean he’s doing something special.  This is with serious biblical precedent:

Luke 17:7-10, “Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’?  Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink and afterward you will eat and drink’?  Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded?  So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.”

OK, so, how do we drill down into chores?

First, there’s an adage in the Boy Scouts reminding adults that says “don’t do for a boy what a boy can do for himself.”  This holds true in chores: do not do for your child what he can do for himself.  If you do everything for your child, then he will get the notion that he is so important everyone ought to do things for him.  When will this end?  Tragically, when God puts a stop to it.  Let’s keep that from happening…

Involve your children in your daily tasks.  Talk to them, let them help, and teach them how.  When they do the work, praise them for their efforts (be sure to tell dad when he comes home so he can praise, too).  Make a list of everything that needs to be done.   Circle all the things that only you can do.  Then delegate!  Make a chore chart and rotate weekly, monthly or quarterly.  Be consistent in overseeing all that has been delegated out.  Post the chore chart where everyone can see it.  Talk to your children about it.  Make sure the consequences of disobeying are understood.  Be flexible and willing to change the chore chart as needed, as children grow older and mature.

Second, start young.  Young children are the most enthusiastic helpers.  But, be careful not to overwhelm them so when they’re young work alongside of them.  Try not to overburden the oldest child.  If there is a job that a younger child can do, give it to that child.  Of course it takes longer to do things that you could do yourself but you must take the time to teach them how to do the job.  Parents often complain that their kids’ chores are pitifully done.  True.  But is part of the reason why because they weren’t trained specifically?  So, don’t expect them to do it as well as you do.  You are the one with years of experience.  Extend grace and mercy in this area if your child has done the job to the best of his ability.  Be persistent—it will pay off.

Third, be specific.  Children (even teens) can be overwhelmed by a task, like cleaning a bedroom.  Adults often make the mistake of issuing what appears to be a straightforward command, “Clean up your room.”  The parent knows what he’s asking but does the child?  The boy might go up and pick up the floor only to leave the desk a mess and he might legitimately think he’s done the work.  Break it down into smaller tasks: make bed; pick up books; pick up clothes; pick up legos; pick up dolls; pick up dishes; etc.  If you want specific work to be done, be specific; eventually they’ll get it.

Lastly, remember this isn’t just about getting small tasks completed; it’s more importantly about world and life training.  Try to keep a positive attitude.  Be patient but persistent: whining, complaining and lack of cooperation on their part are sinful and shouldn’t be tolerated.  Give them extra work!  Keep in mind that one day that child will be responsible only to God to do the work set before him.

What about examples of what kids do by age:

At 4: feed dog, collect trash, and fold washcloths.

At 7: set-clear table, sweep stairs, unload dishwasher, fold underwear/hand towels, help mom prepare a meal, collect laundry and help sort/stain treat, clean bathroom, and help dust.

At 9: all the above*, plus fold socks/towels, help prepare meals, prepare a simple breakfast/lunch, collect laundry and help sort/stain treat, clean bathroom, help dust, clean up the yard, take out the compost, and vacuum.

At 11: all the above* plus hand wash dishes, make breakfast/lunch, prepare simple meal for dinner, sweep floors, vacuum, fold pants/shorts, mow the grass, clean bathrooms, dust, wash and vacuum the van, take out trash, help with laundry, and mopping.

At 15: all the above plus meal prep (B, L, D), dust, vacuum, sweep, iron!, help with laundry, fold shirts, mopping, and babysitting.

  • *Keep in mind that even the older ones might be called upon to do the tasks of the younger ones as needed just not normally!

Allowance?  We do not believe it is wise to pay your child to do chores.  Parents are not paid to do their work around the house or yard.  Perhaps you could pay them occasionally to do the bigger and harder jobs, i.e.: raking and bagging leaves, painting the house, etc.  Nor do we think that children should be enticed to do chores under the promise of rewards.  While God does promise the hope of heaven, He doesn’t make us work for it, does He?

Forgiveness is…

Posted on by Silva
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Forgiveness might be one of the most significant concepts in relationships.  It also might be the most misunderstood.

First, we cannot discuss forgiveness if we depart from the basis of forgiveness with God: the death of Christ.  Christ’s blood has satisfied the justice of God, having broken down the walls between God and us.  Paul the apostle applies this in Ephesians 2:13-15 where he explains this means in Christ there is no barrier between us.  What is important to note is the blood of Christ (Ephesians 2:13b) is the same basis of forgiveness between believers.  When I was brought near to God through Christ, I was also brought near to all others who were previously brought near to God through Christ; Paul highlights this in Ephesians 4:32.

But what is the nature of forgiveness?  It is the actual wiping away of our sins so that they no longer testify against us.  It is two-fold: event and process.

Event: asking and granting forgiveness on the basis of someone else’s work

Process: remembering and living in that event in the strength of someone else’s work

When are the “events” of forgiveness between God and us? When I first repent and believe in Him and each time I repent and believe (: 1 John 1:9)  What is the “process” of forgiveness for God and us?  He chooses to remember the blood of Christ on our behalf instead of our sins and we continue to repent when we sin.  Why does God keep doing this?  Because our forgiveness is not founded on our perfections but Christ’s; we have Christ’s perfection counted to us rather than our imperfections counted to us.

When we consider these things between men and women in the faith, it is functionally no different.  For the Christian, forgiveness is always a possibility.  We sometimes act as if what someone has done against us is so serious that it is beyond forgiveness.  There may be genuine and horrific sin against you but the Scripture tells us that it is not unforgivable. When are we typically unforgiving people?  In three cases: a) when we forget what God has done in forgiving us (Matthew 18:23-33); b) when we belittle our own transgressions against God and, c) when we forget just what had to happen so that we could live as free-people.  For the Christian, forgiveness is also a duty.  As we will see from passages like Luke 17:3-5 and Ephesians 4:32, we must choose forgiveness.  God clearly holds us to forgive even so that we might be forgiven:

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37)

We may overlook offenses or we may only ever be able to adopt a disposition of forgiveness due to an unrepentant sinner, but these at least we must do.

For the Christian, forgiveness is a gift.  One of the two principal words for forgiveness in the Old Testament has as its core idea, “to lighten by lifting.”  We will discuss the nature of sin as incurring a debt.  Many know what it is like to carry debts: houses, cars, credit cards, etc., none of these is desirable and we long for a time when we are debt-free.

Forgiveness is the means that God has ordained that we would experience relationships debt-free.  In other words, through forgiveness we may have closeness, openness and safety that we would not have without it.

Forgiveness is not.

We often persist in sinful un-forgiveness because we don’t know what it means!  Or we have a view of it that makes forgiving too hard.  In the Bible, forgiveness is not a feeling.  Therefore it isn’t only required when someone has recovered a sense of affection or good will towards a sinner (how easy would that be?).  Instead, it is an act of the will after all God commands us to do so.  Forgiveness is not passive.  As we said above, to forgive involves someone sinned against canceling a live debt that he is owed.  It involves both the sinner and the one sinned against to think-speak-act.  It is also not forgetting.  Forgetting is passive and is never guaranteed.  We cannot think that until we have forgotten we have forgiven or that if we’ve forgotten we’ve forgiven.  It is not excusing.  As we will see, forgiveness is transactional and so it automatically assumes a wrong done for it to be valid.  Sin creates debts that we as humans instinctively recognize (cf. Romans 2:14-15).  We also recognize that as we sin against others we are saddled with a deepening burden for that debt over time.

Forgiveness does not allow this as it doesn’t automatically release a wrongdoer of the consequences.  Consequences are often our teachers that instruct us and keep us from repeating sins against God and other people.  Forgiveness takes the reality of sin into account and sets us on this path of learning (cf. Numbers 14:20-23 and 2 Samuel 12:11-14).

Forgiveness is.

As a process, it is keeping no active record.

Jeremiah 31:34b: “…For I will forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin no more.”

Isaiah 43:25: “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.

Psalm 103:11-12: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 130:3-4: “If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord who could stand?  But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.”

1 Corinthians 13:5: “…[love] does not take into account a wrong suffered” (NASB)

Forgiveness is canceling debts people owe you.  When people sin, they create a debt; they owe you.  Ken Sande writes that to forgive is, “To release from liability to suffer penalty or punishment and to bestow favor freely and unconditionally.”  How did the Matthew 18 parable depict this?  First, Jesus equates sin (18:15, “if your brother sins…”) with debts (18:23, “settle accounts with his servant”).  Secondly, Jesus equates forgiveness (Luke 17:3, “…and if he repents, forgive him”) with exacting payment (18:24-25, “one [servant] was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.  And since he could not pay…”).  Sin creates a debt while forgiveness cancels the debt.  In other words, forgiveness means that someone has done a wrong against you and they owe you / deserve punishment but you give up your right to recoup what they owe / punish them.

Forgiveness is costly.  Sin-debts are real: they violate the covenants between people.  Sin-debts are specific: those violations are never vague as they transgress real boundaries (see the Ten Commandments for example).  Sin-debts are costly: they weigh on both parties.  And sin-debts have lingering effects.  Forgiveness minimizes none of these things.

Forgiveness is hard work: Matthew 18:22. What must’ve the disciples thought when Jesus answered the way He did?

[Isn’t there a limit!  That’s too much!]

Forgiveness works.

There is a distinct process in forgiveness written in many places.  Luke 17:3-5 provides a condensed and effective summary.  First, forgiveness is an event that involves a confrontation: 17:3, “If your brother sins, rebuke him; if he repents, forgive him.”  In order to bring about forgiveness, there must be a confrontation.  It must either be initiated by the one sinned against as in this case (cf. Matthew 18:15) or by the one who committed the sin (Matthew 5:23-24). So, who has the burden of forgiveness?  The sinner and the saint.

Still, Jesus highlights that it is also a process: 17:4, “and if he sins against you seven times in the day and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent’ you must forgive him.”  Someone who commits sin and repents must be forgiven.  Lane and Tripp say, “The principle [of Luke 17:5] applies to countless offenses and even the same endlessly repeated offense.  We’re tempted to think that once we have forgiven someone we’re done.  But forgiving someone is not just a past event.  It’s something we must continue to practice even when we’re dealing with an offense we have already forgiven.”  In other words, the process of forgiveness is on-going or willful.  Or acts of our conscious choice each time we have the opportunity or the need.  Remember that God holds our sins against us no more when He forgives.  He certainly remembers, but chooses not to act on a past, forgiven incident.  It is a canceled debt.

  • Would it make sense if a bank, whose debt you paid off, came to you and wanted to keep talking about the debt you used to owe?

When we say, “I forgive you,” we are pledging ourselves to this process where we actively say to each other:

I will not think about this incident anymore;

I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you;

I will not talk to others about this incident;

I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

For each incident “I forgive you” means an affirmative answer to each of these questions about the incident.  No one should suggest forgiveness is easy.  In order to absorb the wrongs done, God will have to strengthen the offended party.  Forgiveness in the strength of self-will lasts a very short time, if at all.  Each offense contains painful detail, a decision to absorb them, a looking past the urge to punish and a commitment to treat the offender almost as if he never did them!  Who is up to this task?!

Forgiveness’ language.

Language in forgiveness is very important. What is the difference between “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?  Usually, “I’m sorry” involves accidents while “Please forgive me” addresses sins committed.  “I’m sorry” is sometimes very unrepentant; merely “I’m sorry I got caught” or “I’m sorry your such a wimp and you can’t handle this,” etc.  “Please forgive me for…” makes no mistaking that a debt settlement is underway!

Jay Adams says, “Seeking forgiveness is not apologizing.  There is nothing in the Bible about apologizing…[it is] the world’s substitute for forgiveness that doesn’t get the job done.  You apologize, and say “I’m sorry” but have not admitted your sin.  The offended party feels awkward, not knowing how to respond.  You are still holding the ball.  You have asked him to do nothing.”

The nature of sin is to create a debt, something objective.  The nature of forgiveness is to forgive that debt in detail.  Repentance and forgiveness must carry specificity in the language.  When we confront an offense, we must be specific.  We must be able to point to specific violations of God’s law (not preferences, remember?).  So, be specific:

“I believe you have sinned against me by your coarse language”

“I believe you have sinned against me by not leading our family and asking me to do so”

You see that to use this language does two things: a) points out a biblical wrong has been done – this isn’t just a preference that’s been violated and, b) it calls the offender to action.

The response mirrors the confrontation:

“Please forgive me for using coarse language and treating you as if you aren’t truly valuable to me”

“Please forgive me for failing to lead our family”

You see that to respond in this language admits to both points above: a) a sin’s been committed and, b) action is being taken.

Un-forgiveness.

An unrepentant sinner may not keep us from forgiveness.  Mark 11:25 says, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (see also Luke 6:28 and Acts 7:60).  God calls us to an attitude of forgiveness towards those who sin against us.  We may have to hold onto an attitude of forgiveness until the offender repents.  The attitude of forgiveness will transition into actual forgiveness when a sinner repents and asks for forgiveness.  However, this may never happen.  To fail to have an attitude of forgiveness violates Mark 11:25 and will inevitably lead to bitterness (Ephesians 4:31; Hebrews 12:15).

Relationships are not efficient

Posted on by Silva
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I recently returned from a missions trip to Hamburg, Germany.  What a marvelous trip; it is remarkable (though not surprising) to witness first hand and participate in what God is doing through the hamburgprojekt, a young church there.  With a brother from my church we were able to mentor, train and visit with courageous brothers and sisters.  We hope to write more on that later, but there was one element that deserves mention ahead of those details: relational inefficiency.

Recently a pastor friend of mine remarked in my presence that as much as we would like to believe otherwise, relationships are just not efficient.  If you think about a favorite American past time, the “to do list,” versus relationships, we can see just how they differ.  To do list’s:

  • Are strictly controlled
  • Don’t surprise us
  • Don’t act in ways that are destructive
  • Don’t need to grow in holiness
  • Go away when we want them to
  • Don’t say stupid things
  • Can be delayed
  • Can be shortened
  • Take only as long as we want
  • Aren’t shy or guarded
  • Don’t yell at us…

You get the idea.  I guess it is no surprise why they are so popular to us.  All of this is probably clear, huh?  Relationships aren’t like to-do lists at all.  “Of course,” you say, “that stuff’s obvious.”

I think I underestimated how much I often put people in the same category as a to do list.  I wouldn’t really know that I had done so until I…well, left the country for another culture.  Now, no one that I know would suggest that Germans are inefficient!  Yet, one thing that became clear to us what that in their culture (perhaps it is just with Americans) they take a long time to “be known.”  They are cautious and guarded (yet polite and fun).  When it comes to intimacy, they take their time, or, are “inefficient.”

I think we get that real rich relationships take time to build.  But I wonder in our culture if we have mostly lost the ability and desire to make the investments.  Facebook demands nothing, Twitter demands less.  Email reveals little, text messages less.  I was listening to Christian radio the other day and the host was encouraging folks that if they wanted prayer to text, Tweet or Facebook ‘em!  At what point did we think calling into a radio station asking for prayer was even a good idea?!  Do we do that because we knew that if we called a good friend he’d make us actually communicate in ways that would put us off our calendars?

It has taken four years for me to build meaningful trust and communication with my Christian siblings in Germany.  At times it was tiring (surprise).  But, what struck me on our most recent trip (last week) was the remarkable fruit and joy that came as a result of our investments in each other.  I never imagined that I’d be able to share such profound and impacting life and ministry with men and women from a totally different culture!  I believe it was due to the commitment to relational inefficiency that is present in the German culture.  There is a sweetness to the slowness.  There is a profound pay-out for the systematic investments in relationships over a long period of time.  Talk about delayed gratification!

In our culture, most often, we are serial-relaters.  We have efficient relationships, that is, ones that don’t cramp our style and that get us where we want to go.  I am glad that not every culture is as inane as ours.  I don’t intend this to be a German-grass-is-greener post as if one culture rises above all others.  But, clearly, ours is not a culture that places tremendous value on systematic and long-term relationships for their own sake.  How many Facebook friends do you have?

Parents’ influence on Children’s Sexual Behavior

Posted on by Silva
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The body of statistics for topics like this is huge.  In fact, there are websites that are dedicated to publishing this kind of thing on a daily basis; it can be mind-numbing.  This post simply asserts the conclusions of one group of studies.  If you are interested in more of this data, go to familyfacts.org and you’ll find it.

Consider these conclusions about parent’s influence on the sexual behavior of their children:

  • “Adolescents whose mothers discussed the social and moral consequences of being sexually active are less likely to engage in sexual intercourse.”
  • “Children whose parents monitor them closely are less likely to be sexually active when they are in their teens.”
  • “Teenagers who feel their parents strongly disapprove of their being sexually active are less likely to contract a sexually transmitted infection.”
  • “Teens whose parents watch television with them more frequently and limit their TV viewing are less likely to be sexually active.”
  • “Adolescents whose parents talk with them about standards of sexual behavior are more likely to be abstinent.”

These conclusions mirror those of author Christian Smith in his book, “Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers” by Oxford University Press.  There, Dr. Smith tells us that parents are absolutely vital in the lives of their children.  Perhaps parents begin to believe over time that their children are far more likely to follow the influence of their friends or other adults.  Both the Bible and sociological studies are telling us to think again.

What if the boy is not too cute?

Posted on by Silva
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We’ve covered some good moral, ethical and spiritual ground in figuring out the “qualifications” of a young suitor. These are by far the most pressing issues especially in light of the culture where cranking out solid young men is not too highly esteemed (just read “Guyland” by Michael Kimmel.  Yikes.).  We must give ourselves to these things.

But we also “sort” ourselves in other ways that aren’t too savory and mostly secret like looks.  Not you?  So, there’s never been a time in your life when you turned down an offer on the basis of looks?  “Posh!  That was college when I was young and stuck-up!” OK, fine.  Why did you do it then?  And, you’re positive you wouldn’t do it vicariously through your daughter or son?  Hmm.

It is not as if “ugly” is a fictitious category.  The Fall has caused physical disfigurement: hair cowlicks, acne, big noses, spots, missing limbs, compressed spines, crooked fingers or toes.  Do these amount to “ugly”?  Answer that by asking if these things will be present in heaven?  But, more importantly, the Fall has caused a natural propensity towards ungodly sorting and categorization.  We secretly expect the pretty people to marry each other and hope the ugly ones marry each other without transgressing this boundary.  It’s terrible and it’s true (even Jane Austen thought so).

In the end, we’re not the ones who choose for our daughters and sons.  The issue is will our sons and daughters sort their suitors on the basis of looks and should they?  You and I did: what will keep them from not doing it?  This discussion borders the preposterous.  We just don’t think that poorly of ourselves that WE would be the ones to advise our children against marrying for things other than looks.  Assume for a minute that you might…

First, ugly is a part of life.  Try as we might to rationalize that ugly actually isn’t, it will still hold to be true.  Perhaps, ugly will always be with us so that we will remember that there’s a time coming when it will be no more.  In one sense, without “ugly” we’d forget about heaven.

Second, God doesn’t really care about ugly so we shouldn’t either.  Here’s a short sample:

6When they came, he looked on Eliab and thought, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before him.” 7But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”  (1 Samuel 16)

1My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory. 2For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, 3and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,”while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” 4have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?  6But you have dishonored the poor man. Are not the rich the ones who oppress you, and the ones who drag you into court? 7Are they not the ones who blaspheme the honorable name by which you were called?  (James 2)

1Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.  (1 Peter 3)

Third, ugly saves and so we really can’t always judge that “ugly = bad.”  No one would say that the Cross upon which Christ died was anything but ugly.  I suppose it would be functionally equivalent to us calling a firing squad or an electric chair something other than ugly.  Yet, the work of Christ upon that Cross when united in us with faith saves to the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25).  That is hardly ugly.

Fourth, our children will naturally sort against ugly.  You did it.  The Bible warns against it.  They will do it.  Unless you teach them not to.  Of course, that would assume that you have modified your own views that sorting on the basis of looks isn’t appropriate.  If we work to inoculate our children against the fear of “ugly” in this way, then, in life when cancer or accident strikes, love will not find any obstacles to expression.

Would you really have “pretty” instead of “godly” if it came to it?